


Diplomatic Relations

by MalevolentMagpie



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (but offscreen), Closet Sex, Fuck Or Die, Halloween, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, SHEITH - Freeform, Sheith Halloween 2020, TrickOrSheith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26789119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalevolentMagpie/pseuds/MalevolentMagpie
Summary: After fighting an intergalactic war and saving all of reality, Hunk is finally ready to enjoy the simple comforts of home, like a good old-fashioned Halloween celebration. Lance is also feeling the spirit of the season, in the form of pulling a legendary prank on the Garrison's favorite joke "married couple," the former Black Paladins.For Sheith Halloween 2020, Grab Bag #1 prompt: “Prank.”
Relationships: Keith/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 70





	Diplomatic Relations

He had been looking forward to Halloween, honestly. It had been nearly a year since the war against the Galra had ended, and the paladins had all taken a much-deserved year-long vacation after saving the universe and all possible realities. It was nice to look forward to a return to something familiar. Familiar holidays, familiar traditions. A taste of home. This? This was not what Hunk had envisioned. 

“I’m telling you man, this is it. This will be the prank to end all pranks. The Wissliyi have a custom of taking private breaks during business meetings to discuss strategy and then reconvening with the other dignitaries after a while.”

“It’s called ‘klaiyuu,’” Pidge interjected.

“We’ll just tweak the details about what exactly  _ klaiyuu  _ is, and tell them that it’s considered a sign of great disrespect not to do the same because…” Lance trailed off thoughtfully.

“Because it would imply that the Wissliyi’s proposals aren’t even worth considering?” offered Pidge.

Lance snapped his fingers. “Yes! That’s it. Pidge, you’re a genius.”

Pidge made a face as if that went without saying.

“Okay but why Shiro and Keith?” said Hunk, though he suspected that he already knew the answer. 

“Are you kidding me? As if I would consider anyone that wasn’t one of two halves of the Garrison’s favorite joke.”

Keith and Shiro had been the source of both serious and humorous speculation since the end of the war. As Captain of the Atlas and Black Paladin/Blade Leader, they had plenty of reason to be constantly together: leading meetings, formulating strategies for post-war clean-up throughout the galaxy, training Earth defense units, the list was endless. It was rare to see one without the other, and usually they were poring over a data tablet together or deep in hushed conversation. It wasn’t long before every employee in the Garrison began making jokes about “the married couple” when the officers were out of earshot. It was all nonsense, of course. Shiro and Keith were merely good friends whose jobs also happened to demand constant, close cooperation. But that didn’t stop the office memos from beginning to refer to them as a unit: “Sheith.”

“Guys...” Hunk began. 

“Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, you don’t get to ruin this for me Hunk! This is the first normal Halloween we’re all going to have after seeing countless untold horrors, battle, and death, and by god we’re going to  _ enjoy  _ it. Friendly pranks, trick or treating ‘round the offices, and I’m putting together a party at the end of the week that’s going to have quiznaking  _ apple-bobbing _ . It’s going to be wholesome and fun and the most memorable Halloween of our young lives!”

Even after that ominous statement, Hunk wasn’t too concerned in the days leading up to the Wissliyi visit. Shiro and Keith were no fools, and Lance was about as trustworthy as a Uniloo black market dealer. There was absolutely no way they would buy it for a single second. Then he learned that Lance had roped his older sister Veronica into the prank, and Hunk concluded to never again underestimate his best friend.

Veronica, as right-hand of the Captain of the Atlas, was not only extremely competent, but also extremely trusted. Once Lance assured her that the Wissliyi would never know and thus intergalactic relations would not be impacted, she was fully onboard with the whole plan. The sole,  _ “hilarious” _ result would be two awkward ex-Black Paladins getting embarrassed about what they thought the rest of the Garrison thought had happened in that side room. 

“-So you see, it is really quite imperative that you respect this ancient tradition,” she said as she stood before Shiro and Keith with the galaxy’s most frighteningly immaculate poker face. Hunk pretended to read the tablet in front of him while in fact keeping an eye on where Lance stood on the other side of the room, doing an excellent job of looking like this was the first he’d heard of this.

Shiro looked politely shocked, maybe even a little red, but Keith merely blinked once. Twice. “And  _ why  _ is this a tradition of theirs?”

“Keith!” said Veronica with convincing affront. “That’s an extremely rude question to ask about cultural traditions. If you  _ must _ know, we believe it historically originated for stress relief reasons. If the leaders exhausted any emotional energy and frustration they had built up during a debate, they could return to the wider meeting more level-headed and ready to see things objectively without anger or other strong emotions clouding their judgment.”

Keith’s face remained impassive, save for a tightening of the jaw barely visible from Hunk’s vantage point.

Veronica soldiered on. “ _ Obviously _ , you won’t have to actually do anything. Just take some time in there, then come back out. A small price to pay for international peace, I’d think.” And with that, she made her exit. 

Hunk walked over to Shiro to give the poor, overworked Captain a consolatory pat on the back. Lance, however, never could leave well enough alone. Hunk should’ve guessed that his friend couldn’t pass up an opportunity to bedevil Keith.

“Congrats, Mullet! Now you’ll finally be able to lose your virginity! And with the Garrison’s heart-throb, no less - lucky you!”

Shiro looked down and to the side shyly. 

Keith frowned. “Didn’t you hear her? We only have to  _ pretend _ . Nothing’s gonna happen.”

“Sure, sure,” said Lance, waving his hand. Then, with practiced nonchalance, made to leave the room as he let drop, “But I heard that the Wissliyi have an excellent sense of smell. Maybe they’ll  _ know _ …!” His cackles could still be heard coming from the hallway after he left.

~~~

The day of the Wissliyi visit arrived, and as with every other diplomatic gathering, the Garrison was abuzz. Lance hadn’t stopped wearing a shit-eating grin all day. Hunk, on the other hand, couldn’t help but feel secondhand embarrassment for Shiro and Keith, who were now firmly under the impression that the rest of the attendees at the meeting would soon think they were… in  _ deep _ discussion.

The meeting began fairly smoothly. All of the Garrison higher-ups were in attendance, including Iverson and many of the paladins’ former teachers, in addition to Hunk and the rest of the paladins themselves. Shiro and Keith, of course, were seated at one end of the table, representing the command of the two major forces based off of Earth. On the other half of the table sat the Wissliyi representatives, diplomats, and dignitaries, each a varying shade of cyan and with four tentacle-like upper appendages with which they gesticulated forcefully when trying to make a point. 

Almost exactly at the two-Earth-hour mark, the three leaders of the Wissliyi delegation, who had been getting increasingly agitated as the heated discussion over trade routes wore on, suddenly stood up, declaring that they deemed it an appropriate time for  _ klaiyuu _ . Shiro’s face once again flushed deep crimson, but both he and Keith kept their expressions carefully polite and neutral as they, too, stood up and assured their honored guests that they would do so as well. The Wissliyi leaders were led into one of the larger, nicer adjacent conference rooms. Keith and Shiro headed to the conference room further down the hall that everyone at the Garrison lovingly referred to as a glorified storage closet.

For the next half hour, the remaining attendees at the larger meeting hall mingled informally, enjoying both Earth and Wissliyi traditional finger foods while waiting for their respective leaders to finish discussing negotiation strategies. The Wissliyi leaders returned before the half hour was up, with data tablets in hand and facial expressions that suggested they had arrived at a fresh new approach to negotiations. But 10 more minutes passed, and then 15, and still Shiro and Keith were nowhere to be seen. Twenty minutes later and the Garrison hosts had broken out samples of Earth cocktails for their Wissliyi guests to enjoy while mild classical music played softly in the background beneath the pleasant murmured conversation. 

It was to this lovely, polite company that the meeting hall doors opened, nearly half an hour late, to admit Shiro and Keith, and then all conversation stilled. In the dead silence that followed, Hunk belatedly realized that somewhere in the room someone had even killed the music. But that thought was secondary to the mental effort currently dedicated to processing the sight of two of his dearest friends (and commanding officers) as they strode into the ogling masses, seemingly oblivious to the effect their entrance was having.

Keith was fully buttoned in his Garrison paladin jacket, but his usually neat, trim braid was practically mangled beyond recognition. His lips were so ruddy and swollen that it almost seemed like he’d applied lipstick, and on his chin was a suspicious mark that looked like rug burn. Shiro was hardly better off. His signature forelock stuck up and to the side, as if someone had completely disheveled it and then quickly tried to smooth it down. The topmost buttons of his Captain’s jacket were missing, the snapped threads that used to hold them sticking out through the fabric, and the small amount of skin that was consequently exposed was absolutely  _ riddled  _ with bite marks. The area around his mouth and facial stubble was suspiciously wet and shiny, and Hunk was just done. Almost against his will, he found his eyes straying down, only to lay witness to a questionable milky splotch on the corner of Keith’s vibrant red jacket.

It was really quite unfair for Hunk to have to be the one wishing a freak bolt of lightning would put him out of his misery, when the two men who should  _ most  _ be wishing that instead had the nerve to look like the cat that got the cream (a metaphor that Hunk quickly regretted mentally voicing). It was  _ especially _ unfair for Hunk to be the one wishing the Earth would swallow whole not only him but the entire Galaxy Garrison, when the spindly, shameless man who was to blame for this entire mess had the  _ goddamn nerve _ to look merely gobsmacked and not in the least bit contrite or mortified. 

Hunk hazarded a glance at the Wissliyi dignitaries, who appeared uncertain as to how to interpret the situation but also appeared to be quickly concluding -after observing the reactions of the humans around the room- that the most dreaded of all possible interpretations was unfortunately the correct one. The humans in the room, for their part, merely settled for embodying living interpretations of a bluescreen. 

Clearly, it was going to be up to Hunk. With one last angry glare at Lance, he valiantly threw himself under the proverbial bus for his found family and stepped forward into the awkward silence. 

“ _ Sooo _ … Did we mention we’re having a Halloween party tomorrow? Traditional Earth festival. You’re all invited.”

~~~

In the end, everything worked in the Garrison’s favor. As it turned out, the Wissliyi were indeed a naturally unreserved people (though  _ klaiyuu _ still was supposed to be purely a business discussion), and they had hitherto thought of humans as rather frumpy and prudish. Following Keith and Shiro’s accidentally-public display, however, the diplomatic delegation warmed significantly toward their human hosts, and all was well that ended well - or so Lance continually attempted to argue, first to Keith, then Veronica, then almost the entire roster of Garrison administrators and officers, then Keith again. There was nothing much they could do, as Lance had technically helped save the multiverse and all of existence, but everyone agreed that he had definitely used up his one Savior of the Universe free pass. 

Shiro and Keith took it all in stride, which is to say that Shiro blushed adorably then awkwardly laughed with a token chastisement, while Keith  _ only  _ attempted to knife Lance twice and the second time he even made sure Lance heard him approaching so that he’d have the chance to run.

“I told you, I didn’t think you’d  _ actually do it _ ,” Lance gasped, after dodging the second stabbing attempt at the much-awaited Halloween party. He spun and slipped behind Hunk to use him as a human shield. Hunk might have been offended, if he hadn’t also been certain that the move had just saved his friend’s internal organs.

“We  _ thought _ the Wissliyi would be able to tell if we didn’t do it for real!” hissed Keith as loudly as he could over the ambient sounds of  _ The Monster Mash _ , before reluctantly sheathing his blade.

“Even so, no one in their right mind would!” 

“Oh please, as if any creature in the universe would turn down having sex with  _ that _ ,” said Keith as he gestured to the admittedly dashing and muscular captain some feet away. “Even if it wasn’t already a regular occurrence.”

“A what now,” said Lance.

“Wait a seco-” said Hunk. 

“WAIT A SECOND,  _ WHAT? _ ” said Lance. 

Keith looked uncertain for a moment, glancing towards Shiro like he was thinking about calling for help. As if by some sexually-transmitted telepathy, Shiro immediately looked back and started walking towards them. 

“You- He- What? With my  _ hero- _ !” Lance’s face cycled through an impressive range of emotions, never quite managing to settle between betrayal and personal insult. 

“How long has this been happening?” Hunk interjected.

Keith’s brows sunk in earnest confusion. “Happening? What do you mean? We’re married, of course we have sex daily. Like I was saying, it’s not like it’s a hardship or some new, difficult feat.”

“ _ I’m sorry, can we go back like 5 seconds, I could have sworn I just heard Keith say that he and Shiro are married,”  _ Lance cried faintly. 

“I did. I did say we’re married. We  _ are _ married. Just why did you think we always wear each other’s dog tags?”

“You’re good friends!” Lance argued. 

“I marooned myself to the furthermost reaches of space to be with him. I holed myself up for months in the middle of an intergalactic war after we thought Zarkon had killed him. I sobbed over his healing pod when we retrieved his consciousness from the Black Lion - I was pounding on the glass and yelling, ‘You can’t do this to me again.’”

“ _ Very _ good friends!” Lance countered.

“His  _ clothes  _ and all his possessions were already in my desert cabin when you all arrived.”

Of all things, that shut Lance up. He looked for confirmation towards Shiro, who had been standing in silent support beside Keith during the discussion, but the man just smiled beatifically back at him while casually curling one arm around Keith’s waist as if he’d been doing it his whole life. 

Hunk willed words to come to him, but the more he thought about it the more it just made sense. Shiro and Keith had always been a unit, one and the same, for as long as he’d known them. They had always shared an impossibly deep bond, beyond that which was shared by all the Voltron paladins. Learning they had been married this whole time felt more like a realization of the inevitable than news, really. 

The four men stood in silence a few moments more, Lance still gaping incredulously at Shiro and Keith in turn. Then Keith broke. He cackled and gasped, doubling over and wiping tears of joy from the corner of his eye. Shiro started laughing too, and held out a fist for Keith to bump. 

“Ohhhh, you sons of bitches,” said Lance. “You almost got me.”

“‘Almost’ got you?” said Shiro. 

“Yes, alright fine. I totally believed you. That was a good prank.”

After the initial shock wore off, even Hunk started chuckling. “You kinda did have it coming, Lance.”

To his credit, Lance took the loss good-naturedly. Halloween, after all, was about pranks and disguising the truth. “Can’t dish ‘em out if you can’t take ‘em,” he’d said, then proceeded to go coax a mass of party goers, Hunk included, into attempting the group dance to  _ Thriller _ .

~~~

When both Hunk and Lance were out of earshot, Shiro turned to Keith with a smirk and passed him a cup of cider. 

“‘Good prank,’ eh?”

Keith snorted. “Now imagine how they would react if they knew we actually got together after the Trials.”

With a sappy look at one another, they tangled their fingers together, still chuckling as they made their way to the apple bobbing station.

THE END.


End file.
